Fun English

Tenjewberrymuds

Mon, 01 Dec 2008 00:00:00 +0000

The following is a telephone exchange between a hotel guest and room-service at a hotel in Asia, which was recorded and published in the Far East Economic Review:

Room Service (RS): "Morrin. Roon sirbees."

Guest (G): "Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service."

RS: "Rye..Roon sirbees..morrin! Jewish to oddor sunteen??"

G:"Uh..yes..I'd like some bacon and eggs."

RS: "Ow July den?"

G:"What??"

RS: "Ow July den?...pryed, boyud, poochd?"

G:"Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry, scrambled please."

RS: "Ow July dee baykem? Crease?"

G:"Crisp will be fine."

RS: "Hokay. An Sahn toes?"

G:"What?"

RS: "An toes. July Sahn toes?"

G:"I don't think so."

RS: "No? Judo wan sahn toes??"

G:"I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'judo wan sahn toes' means."

RS: "Toes! toes!...Why jew don juan toes? Ow bow Anglish moppin we bodder?"

G:"English muffin!! I've got it! You were saying 'Toast.' Fine. Yes, an English muffin will be fine."

RS: "We bodder?"

G:"No...just put the bodder on the side."

RS: "Wad?"

G:"I mean butter...just put it on the side."

RS: "Copy?"

G:"Excuse me?"

RS: "Copy...tea...meel?"

G:"Yes. Coffee, please, and that's all."

RS: "One Minnie. Scramah egg, crease baykem, Anglish moppin we bodder on sigh and copy....rye??"

G:"Whatever you say."

RS: "Tenjewberrymuds."

G:"You're very welcome."

(Thanks to Duane Flowers, who posted this to the Jalttalk mailing list)

Thinkers Anonymous

Sat, 01 Nov 2008 00:00:00 +0000

It started out innocently enough.

I began to think at parties now and then to loosen up. Inevitably, though, one thought led to another, and soon I was more than just a social thinker. I began to think alone -- "to relax," I told myself -- but I knew it wasn't true. Thinking became more and more important to me, and finally I was thinking all the time.

I began to think on the job. I knew that thinking and employment don't mix, but I couldn't stop myself. I began to avoid friends at lunchtime so I could read Thoreau and Kafka. I would return to the office dizzied and confused, asking, "What is it exactly are we doing here?"

Things weren't going so great at home either. One evening I had turned off the TV and asked my wife about the meaning of life. She spent that night at her mother's.

I soon had a reputation as a heavy thinker. One day the boss called me in. He said, "Joe, I like you, and it hurts me to say this, but your thinking has become a real problem. If you don't stop thinking on the job, you'll have to find another job." This gave me a lot to think about. I came home early after my conversation with the boss. "Honey," I confessed, "I've been thinking..."

"I know you've been thinking, "She said, "and I want a divorce!" "But Honey, surely it's not that serious." "It is serious," She said, lower lip aquiver. "You think as much as college professors, and college professors don't make any money, so if you keep on thinking we won't have any money!"

"That's a faulty syllogism," I said impatiently, and she began to cry.

I'd had enough. "I'm going to the library," I snarled as I stomped out the door. I headed for the library, in the mood for some Nietzsche, with NPR on the radio. I roared into the parking lot and ran up to the big glass doors... they didn't open. The library was closed. To this day, I believe that a Higher Power was looking out for me that night. As I sank to the ground clawing at the unfeeling glass, whimpering for Zarathustra, a poster caught my eye. "Friend, is heavy thinking ruining your life?" it asked.

You probably recognize that line. It comes from the standard Thinker's Anonymous poster. Which is why I am what I am today: a recovering thinker. I never miss a TA meeting. At each meeting we watch a non-educational video; last week it was Porky's.† Then we share experiences about how we avoided thinking since the last meeting. I still have my job, and things are a lot better at home. Life just seemed ... easier, somehow, as soon as I stopped thinking.

Soon, I will be able to vote Republican.

Just for the fun of it

Wed, 01 Oct 2008 00:00:00 +0000

Masumi Muramatsu, Chairman, MM Cross-Cultural Forum

"What is 'ig'?" - goes an Australian wordplay. It's an Eskimo house without a loo. Sorry for an antiquated term; Inuit might be more appropriate today. And sorry to non-British-English speakers: loo means toilet in that vast zone.

Small wonder, therefore, that some Japanese scientists or inventors didn't quite comprehend the message when they were first told that they were nominated to receive an "Ig Nobel Prize." The word "ignoble" is not in common parlance here. Since the Japanese language does not have clearly accented syllables (ours is a more monotonal speech), many wouldn't hear the first syllable, and even if they had heard Nobel, modesty should prevent them from believing that they had won that noblest of the most noble recognitions of human achievements.

A nation where most denizens are monolingual, Japan in 2002 produced a gadget called Bowlingual. Developed by leading toymaker Takara Co. in collaboration with Index Corp. and Japan Acoustic Lab., the tiny mobile-phone-like device translates a dog's growls and huffs (some 200 expressions) into Japanese.

It was for this novel but spuriously scholastic gadget that the science humor magazine Annals of Improbable Research, published by a Harvard group of scientists (Hot AIR at www.improb.com), awarded one of the 2002 Ig Nobel Prizes to Takara.

Japanese pet lovers reacted enthusiastically to the device, and last year Takara came up with Meowlingual, a device that translates cats' thoughts into Japanese. I am not in the habit of talking to animals, but I would think that real pet lovers would be able to communicate with them without electronic gadgets.

Having said that, one should appreciate this sort of playfulness, on the part of both creative folk and academics. The respected and beloved Harvard group of scientists that publishes AIR magazine has been awarding 10 Ig Nobel Prizes each year since 1991 to "commendable, if perhaps goofy" achievements. The list to date includes some dubious, wacky but genuine inventions.

One chemistry Ig Nobel laureate in 1999 was an Osaka detective who developed a chemical that, when sprayed on an unfaithful husband's underwear, would show tiny remnants of his semen in a bright blue color. Lots of wives rushed out to get their hands on this product, according to an AERA magazine report.

In 2003, Dr. Yukio Hirose, of Kanazawa University, was honored for his discovery as to why pigeons and crows avoid defecating on one certain bronze statue among many likenesses of historical figures in the Kenrokuen Park, built in early 19th century and renowned for its serene gardens, ponds, trees and flowers.

Not that the birds had any respect for Prince Yamato-Takeru-no-mikoto, a semi-mythological ancient Japanese warrior known for his undocumented saga of pacifying the "barbarian tribes" in northern Japan. As Prof. Hirose discovered, it was a trace amount of arsenic in the alloyed metals used in casting this particular statue that effectively kept the birds at a safe distance.

The scholar, with his refined sense of humor, appreciated the prize offered, and, like most other recipients from around the world, traveled to Boston to accept a trophy of sorts, to speak for 30 seconds and no more, and to give a lecture at Harvard and MIT. No expenses were paid. But all present themselves there for the sheer fun of the occasion.

Prof. Hirose sounds like a real renaissance man. A coffee aficionado, he has published a book on the proper brewing and tasting of espresso and other styles of coffee.

Another Japanese recipient (in 1992) was a bit nonplused. He was quite serious about his research pursuit and paid no attention to the notice. He didn't even know about the prize until recently when he visited the Hot AIR Web site, according to AERA magazine.

The recipients include French President Jacques Chirac for commemorating the 50th anniversary of Hiroshima by detonating an atom bomb at Mururoa Atoll (Peace Prize) and the disgraced CEOs of Enron, etc., "for adapting the mathematical concept of imaginary numbers for use in the business world" (Economics Prize).

There was an Australian who disclosed the secrets of belly button lint in 2002. An American came up with deodorant-imbued pants, preventing insomnia caused by a bedmate's farting.

Which pleasantly reminded me of a lecture by a lady scholar during the annual meeting of the International Society for Humor Studies held at the University of Maryland in 2001 on the erudite (but incidentally entertaining) subject of "Farting for Fun and Profit," harking back to medieval French literature full of stories of this most human sound.

Having just joined the executive board of directors of ISHS (for the 2004-2005 term), I might propose, as we meet next in Dijon, France, in June this year, that the society consider issuing an invitation to some of those hot-AIRing scholars.

Who knows what might, if you excuse the expression, come out of it?

Masumi Muramatsu is the chairman of MM Cross-Cultural Forum, a nonprofit organization to encourage humor and English for smoother communication. He is also on the panel of judges for the Bikkuri English competition.

(This article was first published under the column name "You Can Say That Again!" on the Nikkei Net Interactive Web site, January 19, 2003)

Flying...or frying...potatoes!

Wed, 01 Oct 2008 00:00:00 +0000

Masumi Muramatsu, Chairman, MM Cross-Cultural Forum

When former Democratic Vice President of the U.S. Al Gore made a slip of the tongue several years ago and overstated his role in creating the Internet, his Republican rival, former Vice President Dan Quayle, promptly declared that if Mr. Gore had invented the Internet, he had invented spell-check.

With this apt repartee, the ex-Veep, now an international businessman, who once amused all the kids and the teachers at a 1992 spelling bee (the equivalent of which in Japan would be a kanji characters contest) by adding an extraneous "e" to the word "potato," got even with his critical gallery who used to laugh at his verbal bloopers.

Spelling was one thing I wasn't bad at, if I do say so myself. In my days as a clerk-typist in U.S.-occupied Japan, I used to correct my bosses' spelling (for instance, they often put only one "m" in "accommodation," a very common mistake).

My first encounter with Mr. Quayle, electronically that is, was when he and Senator Lloyd Bentsen faced each other for a vice presidential TV debate. My job was to interpret simultaneously Sen. Bentsen's words for the Japanese TV audience.

When Mr. Quayle insisted that he had as much experience in Congress as Jack Kennedy did when he sought the presidency, Sen. Bentsen famously struck down his claim by saying that he knew Jack Kennedy, he was a friend of his, and Quayle was "no Jack Kennedy."

Rendering this triumphant but cold remark into Japanese, in words and tone, I felt a bit sorry for Mr. Quayle, so dumfounded by its caustic nature that he was struck nearly speechless. I recalled that earlier he had been denied his self-analyzed similarity in physiognomy to Robert Redford by Redford himself, who was considerably to the left of Mr. Quayle politically.

Two years ago in September Mr. Quayle was in Tokyo attending the 40th anniversary of the Peace Treaty between Japan and the United States as the U.S. government representative. Some American friends of mine wondered how I would interpret him if he said that he was glad to be back in China, instead of Japan. People remembered that he said he wished he had studied Latin before visiting Latin America. I was relieved when his geography turned out to be all in order.

With the best of intent people say things they wish they hadn't. I once made a slip of the tongue and said "India" when I meant "Indonesia," and raised many eyebrows in the local press corps in Jakarta. But when one Japanese cabinet member kept referring to "America" all through his spontaneous dinner speech in Toronto (in the 1960s), I changed it all to "Canada" in my Japanese interpretation.

When it's a case of an honest malapropism and no offense is meant, an interpreter can subtly smooth it over without being noticed by anybody. And to the general well-being of all.

At Mr. Quayle's speech at the Foreign Correspondents' Club of Japan luncheon, the only word of his that made me smile was "security blanket" which he quickly corrected to "security alliance," referring to the defense arrangement between Japan and the U.S. (I should hope this was not a Freudian slip.)

At the luncheon I managed to ask one of the last questions myself. When I said I couldn't spell the name of the firm he was on the board of directors of, other than the Aozora Bank, he cheerfully spelled out "Cerberus."

When I mentioned, in prefacing my question to Mr. Quayle, that "you said you invented spell-check," he interrupted me to declare "I did, I did!" in a most jovial manner. I am still not sure if he meant to say that he SAID so or he INVENTED it.

I asked Mr. Quayle: what would he say today to those unkind souls who badmouthed him. He replied, "Take a hike."

Apropos of spelling, Mark Twain said, "They (foreigners) spell it Vinci and pronounce it Vinchy; foreigners always spell better than they pronounce." The humorist of course was making fun of his own "innocents abroad."

As a keen student of English I have long prided myself on being able to spell "floccinaucinihilipilification" or "supercalifragilisticexpialidocious"; but still sometimes hesitate before spelling the word "syrup" instead of "syllup." To the Japanese ear the difference between "l" and "r" is ever so subtle.

In the end, we all make mistakes. Let those who have not sinned throw the first stone ... or potato.

(This article was first published under the column name "You Can Say That Again!" on the Nikkei Net Interactive Web site, December 1, 2003)

Expansioning the Language

Mon, 01 Sep 2008 00:00:00 +0000

(Thanks to former editor Kevin Ryan who submitted this to the JALTTALK mailing list)

The Washington Post's Style Invitational once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and then supply a new definition. Here are this year's winners:

Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.

Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.

Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

Decafalon (n.): The gruelling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

Glibido: All talk and no action.

Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

Caterpallor (n.): The colour you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you're eating.

And the pick of the literature:

Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and a pain in the arse.

History Lesson

Fri, 01 Aug 2008 00:00:00 +0000

The next time you are washing your hands and complain because the water temperature isn't just how you like it, think about how things used to be. Here are some facts about the 1500s:

Most people got married in June because they took their yearly bath in May and still smelled pretty good by June. However, they were starting to smell so brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the body odor. Hence the custom today of carrying a bouquet when getting married.

Baths consisted of a big tub filled with hot water. The man of the house had the privilege of the nice clean water, then all the other sons and men, then the women and finally the children-last of all the babies. By then the water was so dirty you could actually lose someone in it. Hence the saying, "Don't throw the baby out with the bath water."

Houses had thatched roofs-thick straw-piled high, with no wood underneath. It was the only place for animals to get warm, so all the dogs, cats and other small animals (mice, bugs) lived in the roof. When it rained it became slippery and sometimes the animals would slip and fall off the roof. Hence the saying "It's raining cats and dogs." There was nothing to stop things from falling into the house. That posed a real problem in the bedroom where bugs and other droppings could really mess up your nice clean bed. Hence, a bed with big posts and a sheet hung over the top afforded some protection. That's how canopy beds came into existence.

The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something other than dirt. Hence the saying "dirt poor."

The wealthy had slate floors that would get slippery in the winter when wet, so they spread thresh (straw) on the floor to help keep their footing. As the winter wore on, they kept adding more thresh until when you opened the door it would all start slipping outside. A piece of wood was placed in the entranceway. Hence the saying a "thresh hold."

In those old days, they cooked in the kitchen with a big kettle that always hung over the fire. Every day they lit the fire and added things to the pot. They ate mostly vegetables and did not get much meat. They would eat the stew for dinner, leaving leftovers in the pot to get cold overnight and then start over the next day. Sometimes the stew had food in it that had been there for quite a while. Hence the rhyme, "Peas porridge hot, peas porridge cold, peas porridge in the pot nine days old."

Sometimes they could obtain pork, which made them feel quite special. When visitors came over, they would hang up their bacon to show off. It was a sign of wealth that a man "could bring home the bacon. "They would cut off a little to share with guests and would all sit around and chew the fat."

Those with money had plates made of pewter. Food with high acid content caused some of the lead to leach onto the food, causing lead poisoning and death. This happened most often with tomatoes,so for the next 400 years or so, tomatoes were considered poisonous.

Bread was divided according to status. Workers got the burnt bottom of the loaf, the family got the middle, and guests got the top, or "upper crust."

Lead cups were used to drink ale or whisky. The combination would sometimes knock them out for a couple of days. Someone walking along the road would take them for dead and prepare them for burial. They were laid out on the kitchen table for a couple of days and the family would gather around and eat and drink and wait and see if they would wake up. Hence, the custom of holding a "wake."

England is old and small and the local folks started running out of places to bury people. So they would dig up coffins and would take the bones to a "bone-house" and reuse the grave. When reopening these coffins, 1 out of 25 coffins were found to have scratch marks on the inside and they realized they had been burying people alive. So they thought they would tie a string on the wrist of the corpse, lead it through the coffin and up through the ground and tie it to a bell. Someone would have to sit out in the graveyard all night (the "graveyard shift") to listen for the bell; thus, someone could be "saved by the bell" or was considered a "dead ringer." And that's the truth...

Now, whoever said that history was boring !

Signs that Tickle

Tue, 01 Jul 2008 00:00:00 +0000

Here are some signs that you might see advertising businesses. (Thanks to former ELT News editor Kevin Ryan who posted this on the Jalttalk list)

On a Septic Tank Truck sign:
"We're #1 in the #2 business."
Sign over a Gynecologist's Office:
"Dr. Jones, at your cervix."
At a Proctologist's door:
"To expedite your visit please back in."
On a Plumber's truck:
"We repair what your husband fixed."
On a Plumber's truck:
"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."
Pizza Shop Slogan:
"7 days without pizza makes one weak."
At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee:
"Invite us to your next blowout."
On a Plastic Surgeon's Office door:
"Hello. Can we pick your nose?"
At a Towing company:
"We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."
On an Electrician's truck:
"Let us remove your shorts."
In a Nonsmoking Area:
"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."
On a Maternity Room door:
"Push. Push. Push."
At an Optometrist's Office:
"If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."
On a Taxidermist's window:
"We really know our stuff."
In a Podiatrist's office:
"Time wounds all heels."
On a Fence:
"Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive."
At a Car Dealership:
"The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."
Outside a Muffler Shop:
"No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."
In a Veterinarian's waiting room:
"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
In a Restaurant window:
"Don't stand there and be hungry, Come on in and get fed up."
In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
"Drive carefully. We'll wait."
At a Propane Filling Station:
"Tank heaven for little grills."
And don't forget the sign at a Chicago Radiator Shop:
"Best place in town to take a leak."

Pronunciation Poem

Sun, 01 Jun 2008 00:00:00 +0000

Once you've learned to correctly pronounce every word in the following poem, you will be speaking English better than 90% of the native English speakers in the world. If you find it tough going, do not despair, you are not alone: Multi-national personnel at North Atlantic Treaty Organization (NATO) headquarters near Paris found English to be an easy language...until they tried to pronounce it. To help them discard an array of accents, the verses below were devised. After trying them, a Frenchman said he'd prefer six months at hard labor to reading six lines aloud. Try them yourself.
(Thanks to former ELT News editor Kevin Ryan who posted this on the Jalttalk list)

Dearest creature in creation, study English pronunciation.
I will teach you in my verse sounds like corpse, corps, horse, and worse.
I will keep you, Suzy, busy, make your head with heat grow dizzy.
Tear in eye, your dress will tear. So shall I! Oh hear my prayer.
Just compare heart, beard, and heard,
Dies and diet, lord and word, sword and sward, retain and Britain.
(Mind the latter, how it's written.)
Now I surely will not plague you with such words as plaque and ague.
But be careful how you speak:
Say break and steak, but bleak and streak;
Cloven, oven, how and low,
Script, receipt, show, poem, and toe.
Hear me say, devoid of trickery, daughter, laughter, and Terpsichore,
Typhoid, measles, topsails, aisles, exiles, similes, and reviles;
Scholar, vicar, and cigar, solar, mica, war and far;
One, anemone, Balmoral, kitchen, lichen, laundry, laurel;
Gertrude, German, wind and mind, scene, Melpomene, mankind.
Billet does not rhyme with ballet, bouquet, wallet, mallet, chalet.
Blood and flood are not like food, nor is mould like should and would.
Viscous, viscount, load and broad, toward, to forward, to reward.
And your pronunciation's OK when you correctly say croquet,
Rounded, wounded, grieve and sieve, friend and fiend, alive and live.
Ivy, privy, famous; clamour and enamour rhyme with hammer.
River, rival, tomb, bomb, comb, doll and roll and some and home.
Stranger does not rhyme with anger, neither does devour with clangour.
Souls but foul, haunt but aunt, font, front, wont, want, grand, and grant,
Shoes, goes, does.
Now first say finger, and then singer, ginger, linger,
Real, zeal, mauve, gauze, gouge and gauge,
Marriage, foliage, mirage, and age.
Query does not rhyme with very, nor does fury sound like bury.
Dost, lost, post and doth, cloth, loth.
Job, nob, bosom, transom, oath.
Though the differences seem little, we say actual but victual.
Refer does not rhyme with deafer.
Foeffer does, and zephyr, heifer.
Mint, pint, senate and sedate; dull, bull, and George ate late.
Scenic, Arabic, Pacific, science, conscience, scientific.
Liberty, library, heave and heaven, rachel, ache, moustache, eleven.
We say hallowed, but allowed, people, leopard, towed, but vowed.
Mark the differences, moreover, between mover, cover, clover;
Leeches, breeches, wise, precise, chalice, but police and lice;
Camel, constable, unstable, principle, disciple, label.
Petal, panel, and canal, wait, surprise, plait, promise, pal.
Worm and storm, chaise, chaos, chair, senator, spectator, mayor.
Tour, but our and succour, four.
Gas, alas, and Arkansas.
Sea, idea, Korea, area, psalm, Maria, but malaria.
Youth, south, southern, cleanse and clean.
Doctrine, turpentine, marine.
Compare alien with Italian, dandelion and battalion.
Sally with ally, yea, ye, eye, I, ay, aye, whey, and key.
Say aver, but ever, fever, neither, leisure, skein, deceiver.
Heron, granary, canary.
Crevice and device and aerie.
Face, but preface, not efface.
Phlegm, phlegmatic, ass, glass, bass.
Large, but target, gin, give, verging,
Ought, out, joust and scour, scourging.
Ear, but earn and wear and tear do not rhyme with here but ere.
Seven is right, but so is even, hyphen, roughen, nephew Stephen,
Monkey, donkey, Turk and jerk, ask, grasp, wasp, and cork and work.
Pronunciation -- think of Psyche!
Is a paling stout and spikey?
Won't it make you lose your wits, writing groats and saying grits?
It's a dark abyss or tunnel:
Strewn with stones, stowed, solace, gunwale,
Islington and Isle of Wight, housewife, verdict and indict.
Finally, which rhymes with enough --
Though, through, plough, or dough, or cough?
Hiccough has the sound of cup.
My advice is to just give up!!!

What's a Meta For? (Simile when you say that)

Thu, 01 May 2008 00:00:00 +0000

Hyperbole and a certain clumsy charm are often to be seen combined in the writing of high school students. The following have circulated around the Internet for some time but are believed to be real examples of American students' creative writing. The future looks bright for pulp fiction.

Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.

He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.

She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli and he was room-temperature prime English beef.

She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.

She caught your eye like one of those pointy hook latches that used to dangle from screen doors and would fly up whenever you banged the door open again.

The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.

Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.

It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.

The politician was gone but unnoticed, like the period after the Dr. on a Dr Pepper can.

His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.

Her vocabulary was as bad as, you know, like, whatever.

Her voice had that tense, grating quality, like a first-generation thermal paper fax machine that needed a band tightened.

He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.

The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM.

The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.

McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.

From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and "Sex in the City" comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30.

Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.

John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.

Even in his last years, Grandad had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.

The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.

The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.

"Oh, Jason, take me!"; she panted, her breasts heaving like a Uni student on $1-a-beer night.

He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame. Maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.

The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.

He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.

She was as easy as the TV Guide crossword.

She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.

It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to the wall.

Corny Jokes

Tue, 01 Apr 2008 00:00:00 +0000

When it comes to humour, a lot is often lost in the translation. But they can also be a fun way to teach about the use of homonyms, homophones and other types of puns.

Two peanuts walk into a bar.
One was a salted.

A jump-lead walks into a bar.
The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

A sandwich walks into a bar.
The barman says, "Sorry we don't serve food in here."

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says:
"A beer please, and one for the road."

Two aerials meet on a roof, fall in love get married.
The ceremony wasn't much but the reception was brilliant.

"Doc, I can't stop singing 'The green, green grass of home'."
That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome."
"Is it common?"
"It's not unusual."

Two cows standing next to each other in a field.
Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning."
"I don't believe you," says Dolly.
"It's true, no bull."

A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm shorts.
The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."

Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar.
One says, "I've lost my electron."
The other says, "Are you sure?"
The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."

Answer-phone message:
"....If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key...."

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says,
"My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?"
"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him."
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down."
"What? Because he's cross-eyed?"
"No, because he's really heavy"

Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese.
And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them.
It's either my mum or my dad...
or maybe my older brother Colin...
Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu.
But I'm pretty sure it's Colin.

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf.
And he said, "No, the steaks are too high."

My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli.
He was pulled in by a strong currant.

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly;
but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that
you can't have your kayak and heat it.

A man walks into doctor's office.
"What seems to be the problem?" asks the doc.
"It's... um... well... I have five penises." replies the man.
"Blimey!" says the doctor, "How do your trousers fit?"
"Like a glove."

Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands.
Police say that he topped himself.

Two fish swim into a concrete wall.
One turns to the other and says "dam."

Real Newspaper Headlines

Sat, 01 Mar 2008 00:00:00 +0000

Capturing the gist of a story in a few words can be a tricky business. Writers and editors often trip themselves up and create headlines that outlive the stories. These are just of the many misguided attempts at headline writing that have appeared in newspapers around the world.

Include Your Children when Baking Cookies

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers

Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case

Iraqi Head Seeks Arms

Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?

Prostitutes Appeal to Pope

Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over

British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands

Teacher Strikes Idle Kids

Clinton Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead

Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told

Miners Refuse to Work after Death

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant

Stolen Painting Found by Tree

Two Sisters Reunited After 18 Years in Checkout Counter

Never Withhold Herpes Infection from Loved One

War Dims Hope for Peace

If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures

Enfield Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges

Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge

New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group

Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft

Kids Make Nutritious Snacks

Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy

Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half

New Vaccine May Contain Rabies

Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors

Council Rents Rocket

March Planned For Next August Blind Bishop Appointed To See

Lingerie Shipment Hijacked--Thief Gives Police The Slip

L.A. Voters Approve Urban Renewal By Landslide

Patient At Death's Door--Doctors Pull Him Through

Diaper Market Bottoms Out

Croupiers On Strike--Management "No Big Deal"

Stadium Air Conditioning Fails--Fans Protest

Queen Mary Having Bottom Scraped

Henshaw Offers Rare Opportunity to Goose Hunters

Women's Movement Called More Broad-Based

Antique Stripper to Display Wares at Store

Lawyers Give Poor Free Legal Advice

Fund Set Up for Beating Victim's Kin

Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years

Nicaragua Sets Goal to Wipe Out Literacy

Autos Killing 110 a Day--Let's Resolve to Do Better

20-Year Friendship Ends at Altar

Half of U.S. High Schools Require Some Study for Graduation

Blind Woman Gets New Kidney from Dad She Hasn't Seen in Years

Banished!

Fri, 01 Feb 2008 00:00:00 +0000

Lake Superior State University, Michigan has issued its annual extreme List of Words Banished from the Queen's English for Mis-Use, Over-Use and General Uselessness every New Year's Day since 1976. Below is the complete list for 2003, chosen from a record 3,000 nominations, with edited comments by nominators.

Politics and the media

MATERIAL BREACH
Suggests an obstetrical complication that pulls a physician off the golf course. Sounds like contract lawyer-speak rather than the world-worn parlance of war planners and diplomats. At one time, UN resolutions were violated. Violators were held in contempt. How long until treaties are ripped up in the presence of attorneys?

MUST-SEE TV
Must find remote. Assumes herd mentality over program taste.

UNTIMELY DEATH
Balky attempt to make some deaths more tragic than others. Has anyone yet died a timely death?

BLACK ICE
From the weather and news reports. Ice is ice. Watch your step.

ON THE GROUND
Media hip-speak and frivolous dramatization. Especially annoying during the presidential election recount, but still shows up in major news stories. Where else would you be?

WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION
In danger of becoming a push-button buzzword. Any weapon, used effectively, does a lot of destruction. Over-used, over-wrought.

MAKE NO MISTAKE ABOUT IT
Nominated for over-use since the 2000 election. Generally used instead of "don't underestimate" or "understand".

HOMELAND SECURITY
A new and improved buzzword. What happened to the Department of Defense?

Business/industry/marketing/technology

EXTREME
Extreme sports, extreme cars, extreme soft drinks. Razors aren't extreme. Neither are deodorants or cheeseburgers. Enough is enough.

NOW, MORE THAN EVER
Over-used since the September 11th attacks. A precious way of saying, "Now that we've had a terrorist attack on U.S. soil, we have a duty to recognize the important things in life." Seems to be the recent darling of advertisers and politicians. Whats next? Now, more than ever, Americans need 50% more raisins in their cereal?

BRANDING
This word, once properly associated with marking livestock to prove ownership, has been co-opted by the MBA crowd and now seems to refer to any activity that supports a company's desire to clearly define its products and/or services. Cant we just say Promotions and PR?

Miscellaneous

HAVING SAID THAT and THAT SAID
Annoying, useless filler. It seems like the intellectual form of "ya know".

PEEL-AND-EAT SHRIMP
Do they think that, if the name did not contain instructions, we would peel-and-throw-on-floor?

CHALLENGE
No one has problems anymore, they only face challenges. But challenges only have to be met. Problems require solutions!

ITS A GOOD THING
Banished for over-use. The question is: good for whom? For example, insider trading may be a good thing, but only if one does not get caught. Then it is a bad thing.

AS PER
As per a conversation I had with a co-worker and as per common decency to your fellow human beings, please substitute "according to". If I hear as per ever again, I will need to take some asperin.

REVERSE DISCRIMINATION
Discrimination is discrimination, regardless of who is being discriminated against.

Sports

THERE IS NO SCORE
It is inaccurate and misleading. There IS a score. It is 0-0.

GOT GAME
Used by sportscasters trying to be hip: He's got game tonight! They mean he's playing well.

MENTAL MISTAKE
Used often in the sporting world. What mistake is not mental?

Tautology and other circumambages

____ IN COLOR
As opposed to green in size. Lends an empty air of precision.

UNDISCLOSED, SECRET LOCATION
Redundant stacking of adjectives often used to describe Vice President Cheney's whereabouts. If it's a secret, it's pretty undisclosed, and if it's undisclosed, it's a secret.

Hu's On First

Tue, 01 Jan 2008 00:00:00 +0000

Playwright Jim Sherman wrote this after Hu Jintao was named chief of the Communist Party in China. It takes the form of a dialog between US President George "Dubya" Bush and his National Security Advisor, Condolezza Rice, with a cursory bow to Mssrs. Abbott and Costello.
(We take you now to the Oval Office.)

George: Condi! Nice to see you. What's happening?
Condi: Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of China.

George: Great. Lay it on me.
Condi: Hu is the new leader of China.

George: That's what I want to know.
Condi: That's what I'm telling you.

George: That's what I'm asking you. Who is the new leader of China?
Condi: Yes.

George: I mean the fellow's name.
Condi: Hu.

George: The guy in China.
Condi: Hu.

George: The new leader of China.
Condi: Hu.

George: The Chinaman!
Condi: Hu is leading China.

George: Now whaddya' asking me for?
Condi: I'm telling you Hu is leading China.

George: Well, I'm asking you. Who is leading China?
Condi: That's the man's name.

George: That's who's name?
Condi: Yes.

George: Will you or will you not tell me the name of the new leader of China?
Condi: Yes, sir.

George: Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China? I thought he was in the Middle East.
Condi: That's correct.

George: Then who is in China?
Condi: Yes, sir.

George: Yassir is in China?
Condi: No, sir.

George: Then who is?
Condi: Yes, sir.

George: Yassir?
Condi: No, sir.

George: Look, Condi. I need to know the name of the new leader of China. Get me the Secretary General of the U.N. on the phone.
Condi: Kofi?

George: No, thanks.
Condi: You want Kofi?

George: No.
Condi: You don't want Kofi.

George: No. But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk. And then get me the U.N.
Condi: Yes, sir.

George: Not Yassir! The guy at the U.N.
Condi: Kofi?

George: Milk! Will you please make the call?
Condi: And call who?

George: Who is the guy at the U.N?
Condi: Hu is the guy in China.

George: Will you stay out of China?!
Condi: Yes, sir.

George: And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me the guy at the U.N.
Condi: Kofi.

George: All right! With cream and two sugars. Now get on the phone.

(Condi picks up the phone.)

Condi: Rice, here.

George: Rice? Good idea. And a couple of egg rolls, too. Maybe we should send some to the guy in China. And the Middle East. Can you get Chinese food in the Middle East?

Gramesis. In the beginning...

Sat, 01 Dec 2007 00:00:00 +0000

"Be fruitful and multiply in complexity, and fill young minds with bewilderment, and let the bewilderment multiply into chaos in their minds."

Gramesis:

1. In the beginning my English teacher created nouns and verbs.
2. And the verbs were without form and voice; and darkness was upon the face of the deep -- my teacher.
3. And she said, "Let there be grammar"; and there was grammar.
4. And Teacher saw the verbs and laughed and said that it was good; and she divided the bright students from those who remained in darkness.
5. And Teacher gave the bright students A's and kept the others after school. And the homework and the bell were the first day.
6. And Teacher said, "Let there be a sentence in the midst of the words, and let it divide the nouns from the verbs."
7. And Teacher made the sentence, and diagrammed it on the board; I looked and saw that it was so.
8. And Teacher called the sentence declarative. And the capital and the period were the second day.
9. And Teacher said, "Let the noun words in the sentence be gathered together unto one place, and let the verb words appear"; and it was so.
10. And Teacher called the verb words predicate; and the gathering together of noun words called she the subject; and Teacher saw that it was good.
11. And Teacher said, "Let the predicate bring forth modifiers, the transitive verbs yielding objects, and the intransitive verbs yielding complements after their own kind, whose place is in itself, within the predicate"; and it was so.
12. And the predicate brought forth modifiers, and transitive verbs yielding objects after their own kind, and intransitive verbs yielding a complement whose place was in itself, after their own kind: Teacher saw that it was good and confusing.
13. And the active and the passive were the third day.
14. And Teacher said, "Let there be modifiers in the firmament of the subject to further confuse and divide the students in the classroom; and let them be for proper nouns, concrete nouns, mass nouns, collective nouns, pronouns, and abstract nouns."
15. "And let them be for to give meaning in the subject and to enhance the predicate"; and it was so...confusing.
16. And Teacher made two great words: the greater word -adjective- to rule the noun, and the lesser word -adverb- to rule the verb; she made the conjunction also.
17. And Teacher set them in the sentence in order to make it difficult to diagram.
18. And to make it easier for her to divide the bright students from those who remained in darkness; and Teacher saw that her system was good.
19. And the phrase and the clause were the fourth day.
20. And Teacher said, "Let the verbs bring forth abundantly the many verb forms, the gerunds, infinitives, and participles; the subjunctives; the auxiliary verbs, the linking verbs; and the phrasal verbs."
21. And Teacher created mood for every living creature that moveth, and tense for all time, and voice after their kind: and Teacher saw that it was indeed good.
22. And Teacher blessed them saying, "Be fruitful and multiply in complexity, and fill young minds with bewilderment, and let the bewilderment multiply into chaos in their minds."
23. And the lecture and the English test were the fifth day.
24. And Teacher said, "Let the nouns and verbs bring forth living sentences after their own kind, book reports, essay questions, and English themes for the students to write"; and it was very so.
25. And Teacher made all these things for the freshman English student to do, and everything that creepeth into her mind she gave to them to do; and Teacher saw to it that it was good.
26. And Teacher said, "Let us make one project in our image, after our likeness; and let the product have dominion over the other projects, and over every subject of the college student."
27. So Teacher created the research paper in her own image, in the image of Teacher created she it; boring and difficult created she it.
28. And Teacher blessed it, and Teacher said unto the research paper, "Be fruitful and multiply, and replenish the supply of dropouts, and subdue the remainder of the college students; and have dominion over the other projects, and over the other subjects, and over every single grade that the students receive."
29. "And to every beast of the earth, and to every fowl of the air, and to every thing that creepeth into the classroom, wherein there is life, I have given every rule and principle for good English"; and it was so.
30. And Teacher saw everything that she had made, and behold it was very good.

Gramesis was written by Lil Hosman, an educator in Portland, Oregon.

Weird English Signs

Thu, 01 Nov 2007 00:00:00 +0000

The following are real signs from around the world written in, let's just say, a misguided attempt to provide English assistance to travelers. Thanks to Frank Parker who originally posted this fun item on the JaltTalk mailing list.

Cocktail lounge, Norway:
LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR.

At a Budapest zoo:
PLEASE DO NOT FEED THE ANIMALS. IF YOU HAVE ANY SUITABLE FOOD, GIVE IT TO THE GUARD ON DUTY.

Doctor's office, Rome:
SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES.

Hotel, Acapulco:
THE MANAGER HAS PERSONALLY PASSED ALL THE WATER SERVED HERE.

Booklet about using a hotel air conditioner, Japan:
COOLES AND HEATES: IF YOU WANT CONDITION OF WARM AIR IN YOUR ROOM, PLEASE CONTROL YOURSELF.

Car rental brochure, Tokyo:
WHEN PASSENGER OF FOOT HEAVE IN SIGHT, TOOTLE THE HORN. TRUMPET HIM MELODIOUSLY AT FIRST, BUT IF HE STILL OBSTACLES YOUR PASSAGE THEN TOOTLE HIM WITH VIGOUR.

In a Nairobi restaurant:
CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE OUGHT TO SEE THE MANAGER.

On the grounds of a private school:
NO TRESPASSING WITHOUT PERMISSION.

On an Athi River highway:
TAKE NOTICE: WHEN THIS SIGN IS UNDER WATER, THIS ROAD IS IMPASSABLE.

On a poster at Kencom:
ARE YOU AN ADULT THAT CANNOT READ? IF SO, WE CAN HELP.

In a City restaurant:
OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK, AND WEEKENDS TOO.

One of the Mathare buildings:
MENTAL HEALTH PREVENTION CENTRE.

A sign seen on an automatic restroom hand dryer:
DO NOT ACTIVATE WITH WET HANDS.

In a Pumwani maternity ward:
NO CHILDREN ALLOWED.

In a cemetery:
PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS FROM ANY BUT THEIR OWN GRAVES.

Tokyo hotel's rules and regulations:
GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO SMOKE OR DO OTHER DISGUSTING BEHAVIOURS IN BED.

On the menu of a Swiss restaurant:
OUR WINES LEAVE YOU NOTHING TO HOPE FOR.

In a Bangkok temple:
IT IS FORBIDDEN TO ENTER A WOMAN EVEN A FOREIGNER IF DRESSED AS A MAN.

Hotel room notice, Chiang-Mai, Thailand:
PLEASE DO NOT BRING SOLICITORS INTO YOUR ROOM.

Hotel brochure, Italy:
THIS HOTEL IS RENOWNED FOR ITS PEACE AND SOLITUDE. IN FACT, CROWDS FROM ALL OVER THE WORLD FLOCK HERE TO ENJOY ITS SOLITUDE.

Hotel lobby, Bucharest:
THE LIFT IS BEING FIXED FOR THE NEXT DAY. DURING THAT TIME WE REGRET THAT YOU WILL BE UNBEARABLE.

Hotel elevator, Paris:
PLEASE LEAVE YOUR VALUES AT THE FRONT DESK.

Hotel, Yugoslavia:
THE FLATTENING OF UNDERWEAR WITH PLEASURE IS THE JOB OF THE CHAMBERMAID.

Hotel, Japan:
YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE CHAMBERMAID.

In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery:
YOU ARE WELCOME TO VISIT THE CEMETERY WHERE FAMOUS RUSSIAN AND SOVIET COMPOSERS, ARTISTS, AND WRITERS ARE BURIED DAILY EXCEPT THURSDAY.

Hotel catering to skiers, Austria:
NOT TO PERAMBULATE THE CORRIDORS IN THE HOURS OF REPOSE IN THE BOOTS OF ASCENSION.

Taken from a menu, Poland:
SALAD A FIRM'S OWN MAKE; LIMPID RED BEET SOUP WITH CHEESY DUMPLINGS IN THE FORM OF A FINGER; ROASTED DUCK LET LOOSE; BEEF RASHERS BEATEN IN THE COUNTRY PEOPLE'S FASHION.

Supermarket, Hong Kong:
FOR YOUR CONVENIENCE, WE RECOMMEND COURTEOUS, EFFICIENT SELF-SERVICE.

From the "Soviet Weekly":
THERE WILL BE A MOSCOW EXHIBITION OF ARTS BY 15,000 SOVIET REPUBLIC PAINTERS AND SCULPTORS. THESE WERE EXECUTED OVER THE PAST TWO YEARS.

In an East African newspaper:
A NEW SWIMMING POOL IS RAPIDLY TAKING SHAPE SINCE THE CONTRACTORS HAVE THROWN IN THE BULK OF THEIR WORKERS.

Hotel, Vienna:
IN CASE OF FIRE, DO YOUR UTMOST TO ALARM THE HOTEL PORTER.

A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest:
IT IS STRICTLY FORBIDDEN ON OUR BLACK FOREST CAMPING SITE THAT PEOPLE OF DIFFERENT SEX, FOR INSTANCE, MEN AND WOMEN, LIVE TOGETHER IN ONE TENT UNLESS THEY ARE MARRIED WITH EACH OTHER FOR THIS PURPOSE.

Hotel, Zurich:
BECAUSE OF THE IMPROPRIETY OF ENTERTAINING GUESTS OF THE OPPOSITE SEX IN THE BEDROOM, IT IS SUGGESTED THAT THE LOBBY BE USED FOR THIS PURPOSE.

An advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist:
TEETH EXTRACTED BY THE LATEST METHODISTS.

A laundry in Rome:
LADIES, LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE AND SPEND THE AFTERNOON HAVING A GOOD TIME.

Tourist agency, former Czechoslovakia:
TAKE ONE OF OUR HORSE-DRIVEN CITY TOURS. WE GUARANTEE NO MISCARRIAGES.

The box of a clockwork toy made in Hong Kong:
GUARANTEED TO WORK THROUGHOUT ITS USEFUL LIFE.

In a Swiss mountain inn:
SPECIAL TODAY - NO ICE-CREAM.

Airline ticket office, Copenhagen:
WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM IN ALL DIRECTIONS.

On the door of a Moscow hotel room:
IF THIS IS YOUR FIRST VISIT TO THE USSR, YOU ARE WELCOME TO IT.