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Fun English

April 01, 2008

Corny Jokes

When it comes to humour, a lot is often lost in the translation. But they can also be a fun way to teach about the use of homonyms, homophones and other types of puns.

Two peanuts walk into a bar.
One was a salted.

A jump-lead walks into a bar.
The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

A sandwich walks into a bar.
The barman says, "Sorry we don't serve food in here."

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says:
"A beer please, and one for the road."

Two aerials meet on a roof, fall in love get married.
The ceremony wasn't much but the reception was brilliant.

"Doc, I can't stop singing 'The green, green grass of home'."
That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome."
"Is it common?"
"It's not unusual."

Two cows standing next to each other in a field.
Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning."
"I don't believe you," says Dolly.
"It's true, no bull."

A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm shorts.
The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."

Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar.
One says, "I've lost my electron."
The other says, "Are you sure?"
The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."

Answer-phone message:
"....If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key...."

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says,
"My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?"
"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him."
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down."
"What? Because he's cross-eyed?"
"No, because he's really heavy"

Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese.
And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them.
It's either my mum or my dad...
or maybe my older brother Colin...
Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu.
But I'm pretty sure it's Colin.

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf.
And he said, "No, the steaks are too high."

My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli.
He was pulled in by a strong currant.

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly;
but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that
you can't have your kayak and heat it.

A man walks into doctor's office.
"What seems to be the problem?" asks the doc.
"It's... um... well... I have five penises." replies the man.
"Blimey!" says the doctor, "How do your trousers fit?"
"Like a glove."

Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands.
Police say that he topped himself.

Two fish swim into a concrete wall.
One turns to the other and says "dam."

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