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January 01, 2008

Hu's On First

Playwright Jim Sherman wrote this after Hu Jintao was named chief of the Communist Party in China. It takes the form of a dialog between US President George "Dubya" Bush and his National Security Advisor, Condolezza Rice, with a cursory bow to Mssrs. Abbott and Costello.
(We take you now to the Oval Office.)


George: Condi! Nice to see you. What's happening?
Condi: Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of China.

George: Great. Lay it on me.
Condi: Hu is the new leader of China.

George: That's what I want to know.
Condi: That's what I'm telling you.

George: That's what I'm asking you. Who is the new leader of China?
Condi: Yes.

George: I mean the fellow's name.
Condi: Hu.

George: The guy in China.
Condi: Hu.

George: The new leader of China.
Condi: Hu.

George: The Chinaman!
Condi: Hu is leading China.

George: Now whaddya' asking me for?
Condi: I'm telling you Hu is leading China.

George: Well, I'm asking you. Who is leading China?
Condi: That's the man's name.

George: That's who's name?
Condi: Yes.

George: Will you or will you not tell me the name of the new leader of China?
Condi: Yes, sir.

George: Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China? I thought he was in the Middle East.
Condi: That's correct.

George: Then who is in China?
Condi: Yes, sir.

George: Yassir is in China?
Condi: No, sir.

George: Then who is?
Condi: Yes, sir.

George: Yassir?
Condi: No, sir.

George: Look, Condi. I need to know the name of the new leader of China. Get me the Secretary General of the U.N. on the phone.
Condi: Kofi?

George: No, thanks.
Condi: You want Kofi?

George: No.
Condi: You don't want Kofi.

George: No. But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk. And then get me the U.N.
Condi: Yes, sir.

George: Not Yassir! The guy at the U.N.
Condi: Kofi?

George: Milk! Will you please make the call?
Condi: And call who?

George: Who is the guy at the U.N?
Condi: Hu is the guy in China.

George: Will you stay out of China?!
Condi: Yes, sir.

George: And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me the guy at the U.N.
Condi: Kofi.

George: All right! With cream and two sugars. Now get on the phone.

(Condi picks up the phone.)

Condi: Rice, here.

George: Rice? Good idea. And a couple of egg rolls, too. Maybe we should send some to the guy in China. And the Middle East. Can you get Chinese food in the Middle East?



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